Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
She's the barista slut.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
