There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
