guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
