Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
