what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
