all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
