I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
