I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
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They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
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He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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