i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
