The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
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