I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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