I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
