I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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