I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
