Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize