Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
