great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
