if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
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I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
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I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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