I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
