Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
she pinky promised me she was 18
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
