why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Randomize
