Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
tonight lets celebrate not being married
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
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