when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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