Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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