toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
