Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
