I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
