it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
