omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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