I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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