If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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