how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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