i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
he just fucked me for my cheese..
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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