We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
