I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Randomize
