Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
