I think im going to throw up on grandma
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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