I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Randomize
