If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
