I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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