I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
