I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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