I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
