I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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