why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Farmville is her only friend.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize
