He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
