She is in my trunk
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Randomize
