well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
