tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
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I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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