Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
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