shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
is wine microwaveable?
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
