M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
