dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
