I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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