Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
